(Almost Famous) The Outsider…A Lesson in Stepping Outside My Comfort Zone.

(Almost Famous) The Outsider…A Lesson in Stepping Outside My Comfort Zone.

Last summer in Millvale occasionally there would be a street closed off by my house, typically the side street where I jog, because it’s a nice steep hill for getting a nice tone booty.  It is not a particularly nice street.  The incline is uncomfortably sharp, there are gashes and craters in the street so big you could lose a Prius in one, and chunks of the sidewalk are shifted, crumbled, and mismatched.  I would see a big white trailer, cones that insisted a simple detour, and people standing around sometimes. 

It turns out a TV show is being filmed in Pittsburgh called “TheOutsiders”.  (No, not like Pony Boy from your required middle school texts.)  After binge watching the show for two straight days, I learned that it’s about a coal company, a small mountain town, and a village of feral mountain people who are in conflict over the land.

My mom and her best friend Sandy love the show.  I’m certain their main reason is simply because it’s filmed in Millvale.  Admittedly, it did give me a rise to see the hobby shop, that weird blue bird furniture building, and the horrible job they did photo-shopping the word “Millvale” off the building where the playground is.

KDKA reported to the whole city that the show was looking for long-haired extras.  My mom reported the news and urged me to go try out.  Honestly, I’ve never had any interest in acting.  I went to film school at the Academy of Art in San Francisco, and realized after a hard look at the student loans racking up, and really examining the industry, that I don’t even like movies.  I love to edit film, I really take pleasure in telling stories…but after that experience I understood myself well enough to keep this ridiculously lavish venture a hobby.

But I love my mom, and being an extra didn’t sound so bad!  It would be fun to dress up in costume and lurk in the background of a TV show filled in our favorite Pittsburgh suburb!  So, the day of the casting call I went down to Studio 31, filled out some paperwork, had my picture taken, and was off.

At the studio there were a lot of people there I could tell had no chance of being an extra.  I slithered through the masses of people, filled out the paper work asking for height, weight, and a few other questions like did I have a pet.  It took me all of two minutes to fill the paper out.  I handed it to the guy and he said,

“Wow, that was fast!  This isn’t your first rodeo, is it?”

“Something like that.”  I replied.  Truth be told, I’ve never been on a TV show, however I did have a 

similar experience back in my modeling days.  Have you ever heard of America’s Next Top Model?  Somehow, they found me on the internet years ago and asked me to come try out!  It was very exciting.  I was selected to come all the way to New York City and be interviewed for the show!  I remember my mom breaking down and crying to me,

“Jenn…you can’t go on that show!  They’ll be so mean to you!”

Photography buy Chelly Cruz

I told my mom not to worry.  The chances of them actually picking me are pretty slim, but I have to go and at least see what happens.  Sure enough, I was blessed enough to just be another face that day and was not selected for the show.  And event though I'm not a top model, that was an awesome day.  I got to see one of my favorite people and slight girl-crush Gina Murdock, where we celebrated with a huge plate of meat, tons of red wine, and deep philosophical conversations in Brooklyn. 

So I was calm, cool, did the try out thing, and left.  They asked if I wanted to be fitted for costumes…I’d be more likely to be picked as an extra if I did that.  I took one look at the line and said, “No.”  It was time to head to my mom’s and enjoy a family cook out and that was way more important to me than the flattery of a measuring tape.

A week went by and I didn’t think about the outsiders again.  I had a very exciting week ahead of me.  It was my sister-in-law-to-be’s wedding shower and bachelorette party on Saturday, our friend Dave Beck’s wedding on Sunday, and then a quick blip to my beloved studio, Bikram Yoga West Reading, where I saw some of my best friends and my favorite students.  It was an amazing trip.  I was completely exhausted by the end of it.  I was so beat I had to pull over and sleep at a rest stop for 45 minutes!

It was then I received an email from the Outsiders casting crew.  It appeared that I was being asked to try out for a small role in the show!  Perhaps still considered an extra, but a really important extra as there would be dancing, plenty of time on screen, and the need to even go and audition for it!

It was very exciting.  I took a screen shot of the email and sent it to a hand full of my friends and relatives.  Look!  I’m going to be a movie star!!

Everyone I shared the news with seemed very confident that I would get the part.  A lot of friend, students and co-workers said things like

“Of course you’ll get it!  They’d be crazy not to pick you!”  Or, “I can totally see you doing that, you’re perfect!” 

The words felt really good.  I felt really good.  A little confused, but good.  It wasn’t even that I might be a movie star, but  really the opening door that made me feel so favored.  I love teaching yoga and managing the studio in Pittsburgh, but admittedly at times I feel stuck.  I made a promise to myself that I would try new things and work to create a life beyond the studio, and here it is…it’s happening!  Who knew it would be the silver screen?

I am a very busy girl and the Outsiders were kind enough to rearrange their own schedule to let me come and try out.  I again went to the Strip District’s Studio 31 to meet with the director.  Even the people in the lobby said to me 

“Oh, you’ll definitely get the part you’re exactly what you’re looking for.”

When I was called in to meet the director he began to speak to me.  I guess what he was looking for was an actress, because he starting asking me questions about my character.  I knew the part they were looking for (to some extent) and if you ask me about my character, I’m going to tell you.  So I answered him exactly how I’d answer anything…as the role of Jenny Sines.  The interview was short, he smiled politely and about 5 minutes later he sent me on my way.  He said to me,

“We’ll get back to you this evening and let you know our decision.”

What just happened in there?  It was only when I was leaving the studio I thought,

“Oh…I guess that wasn’t really acting…”

I tried to stay present, but I kept seeing the audition replay in my mind over and over again.  My body felt completely drained, and although there was a part of me that felt excitement, the majority of me felt impending doom.  I think I did an awful job, but maybe not?  Are they going to say yes or no?  What happens if I get the part?  Am I going to be able to handle it?  What will happen to the studio?  Am I going to have to lose weight?  I wonder if that guy was in the Illuminati?

I tried to shake it at the studio, and usually teaching is a great way for me to find the present moment.  But I couldn’t.  My body felt weak, my head was tormented, and my soul was completely silenced in my classes.  I had new students whose fidgeting and grasping made me even more exasperated.   Every chance I had to refresh my Gmail account I took, and low and behold every thirty seconds passed without a response from the Outsiders.

I went home and continued to anticipate.  Refresh.  Nothing.  Refresh again.  Nothing.  Refresh again.  Nothing!  Even though I was completely drained, it was 12:30AM and I had a 10 hour day ahead of me…what am I doing right now?  Why am I doing it?

The next day was a little better.  I was determined to make it so.  I had a look at all the times I refreshed the page.  I replayed the scenario in my mind not to ridicule or critique, but to examine how I reacted to this situation.  Before the audition, I felt appreciation that an opportunity was presented to me...

...but it quickly turned to thoughts of being my big break.  What big break?  Then, I felt some serious anxiety about the fate of my audition.  Is it yes?  Is it no?  Do I even care that much?  Only a week ago it didn’t seem to bother me that I wasn’t a movie star. 

I confessed to some of my students that the audition was distracting me.  Thomas, one of my new students gone regular said to me,

“You don’t need to be a movie star.  We need you here at the studio.”

I considered this very carefully.  Yes, I do want to create more of a life outside the studio walls, but teaching yoga is truly my gift.  How will I change lives with a small role in a show versus teaching yoga every day?

Finally, I got an email back with the decision.  No, I had not been chosen for the small role in the Outsiders.  However, they would love to use me as an extra still and will be in touch with these opportunities.

PHEW!  Turns out that was the answer I’d been looking for.  I did not like “getting into character”…clearly because I didn’t do that at all.  I already am a character…I’m Jenny Sines!  I was glad that I still could be a part of the show.  Clearly this opportunity offers spiritual development, but I got exactly what I wanted.  I truly believe the Universe provides; this experience was a gift.

This opportunity was a very good reminder for me to continue to live an examined life.  It really forced me to see how the ego’s desire for attention makes the mind grasp and extinguishes the light of the soul.  It showed me that I am actually content and proud of what I am doing, and sometimes less is more.  Most importantly, it was another friendly reminder that I’m perfectly fufilled being exactly who I am.  I’ve worked really hard to create myself…I don’t have time to pretend! 

My friend Jay and I joked around about the audition.  I told him about some of my other exciting performances on the way, and how oddly I didn’t have to “try out” for these.  Event coordinators saw my pictures and videos, had conversations with me on the phone, and didn’t hesitate to hire me for these good paying gigs.  Jay said,

“Jenny Sines doesn’t ‘try out’!  Jenny Sines doesn’t ‘audition’!  I've been asked to audition for gigs as well and I say, "fuck you! You're going to pick me anyway!"

Right on Jay.  I appreciate the thick skin and what actors and actresses do.  I really can applaud them for taming their minds and egos to be able to do things like that.  Likewise, I have compassion them when they shave their heads and smash car windshield.  Jay and I weren’t born to impress you, we either do or we don’t.  And chances are you’ll love our work!

I’m going to continue to try new things, to build myself in different communities, and you’d better believe to entertain people.  I’m so grateful for my shows coming up this summer, and from there things will continue to develop in my life outside the studio walls.  Equally, these experiences will help me to be a better teacher for all of you.  Yoga is about practicing awareness, getting you know yourself and love yourself unconditionally, and stepping outside your comfort zone, then examining how you do outside that comfortable place.  For now, Jenny Sines (sometimes ViolaLee) is the star of her own show, with many an encore to come.