Experiencing Pain and Manifesting Healing

Recently I had an experience that really opened up my yoga practice.  Typically when I write these blogs I dig into philosophical and spiritual lessons (mind, spirit) that I gain from the practice of yoga.  This time, it was physical experiences that lead me to a shifted perspective and a much greater understanding of myself.

Only twice over the course of 8+ years have I injured myself while practicing.  I’ll never forget it, and both of these postures are similar.  The first time it was in separate leg stretching pose.  I remember who was teaching and the studio I was practicing in.  I remember there was “no heat” that day (meaning the Bikram studio was room temperature) and in this posture I was rapidly and aggressively seeking depth.  I became distracted and attached to the depth I was gaining rather than anything else about the posture.  And then…SNAP!  Something terrible happened way up in my pelvis.

I thought for months I had pulled a muscle, but as time passed I discovered that I had actually pinched my sciatic nerve.  No amount of yoga seemed to help it, and after almost a year of suffering, I went to a chiropractor and we resolved the issue together.  The pain was ceased; I stopped seeing the chiropractor and learned so much more about myself.  I learned that I have scoliosis and a rotation in my pelvis.  Given my condition, there are some injuries I’ll be more susceptible to and some preventative measures I can take to avoid pain.

It has been nearly four years since I injured my sciatic nerve. 

Currently, my favorite postures are splits. One of my first and most popular blogs, “The Barking Shark: Drunkin' Splits” was about a split.  Splits are so fascinating and exciting for me as I am 28 years old and this is the first time in my life I can do them.  When I was a child I was lanky and unable to touch my toes.  I carried this rigidity until I began yoga.  Now, in my adult life I have opened up so much I can do a split. 

Thanks for the image Brian Altman!  Check out his work by clicking here and here!

Standing bow is a great posture on me.  The split is coming along great too.  Now I want even more.  A straddle split.

I began thinking about this mobility and working to open my body up.  Some of my Vinyasa teachers would work to guide us through creating this mobility, and I loved it.  I practiced the straddle split at home, I watched my peers in this posture, and I read information on how to create this openness in my body to get to my goal. 

After months and months of working, I was coming pretty close.  I was experiencing so much sensation and adrenaline.  Finally, for the first time in my life, in Crystal’s class, I was able to bring my torso all the way to the floor in a pretty modest straddle split position…and it hurt so good.

Splits, standing bow, all of my postures but especially these deep hip opening and hamstring stretching postures aren’t just automatic or freebies for me.  I have to do some pretty substantial warming up.   But after the moment I had in Crystal’s class I was feeling pretty confident.

The next day I was teaching Vinyasa and had the students working to bring their bodies down in the straddle split position.  I was quite open, very warm, and feeling ambitious.  I wasn’t trying to impress my students or make an example of myself.  I just knew I had been their just yesterday, so I wanted to go back again.  Everything was feeling great.  I crept my hands down and down the mat, felt the sensations and adrenaline, and crept a little further.  My torso came to the mat.  It was then I became distracted by my depth.  I relaxed, perhaps losing the mind body because the next thing I knew…

…CRUNCH.  I heard a very loud, knuckle cracking crunch sound and it came from way up in my pelvis.  I didn’t experience pain, just sensation and some shock as the sound was not pleasant or comforting. I’d almost say it felt good. 

Class continued on and I left the room feeling happy that I must have had some sort of release, but also felt pretty tender on my right side.  There was a lot that just happened in there, so I took it easy for the next couple of days.

During those next couple of days, it began to feel like pain.  It was nagging, it was tingling, and it was tender.

This experience I had recently with the straddle split also took me months to credit it as an injury.  There was pain, but pain was a strong word.  It was more like discomfort.  Unlike my sciatic nerve, which was troublesome at many points in the day, this pain only really occurred when I was doing yoga.  Seemingly random, if I twisted just a certain way or bent over just a certain way. I would feel a slight sharp pain and then nothing; the pain wouldn’t last.  It almost seemed random.  I began to think that I’d again pinched my sciatic nerve, because even though the sensations were different, the pain occurred in the same spot the sciatic nerve pain began.  Way up in my butt cheek. 

I continued to practice yoga and continued to practice the splits and straddles.  The pain was there, but to really feel like I was stretching it, I had to get into some pretty deep positions.  I was delighted with the space, but it was unusual that I had to be engaged in a very advanced posture to feel like I was stretching it.  The stretch felt good, but not as good as the rest of my body.  It had a nagging feeling, an irritable sensation, but I kept digging to stretch it because surely that would help.

Months and months went by and the pain seemed to be getting worse.  I decided to schedule a visit with a chiropractor again and really look at my anatomy and pinpoint where this was coming from.  After taking an examined look at the anatomy of the pelvis, and really considering what this pain was, I began to realize that maybe this wasn’t my sciatic nerve at all.

After looking over my x-rays and having a discussion with the chiropractor, we came to the conclusion that this time I did not pinch my sciatic nerve but instead tore connective tissue in my hamstring.  The chiropractor said it probably has taken so long to heal because I kept pulling and stretching it. I looked at her and burst into laughter.  “So what you’re telling me is I have to stop doing yoga?”  No, that’s not exactly what she was telling me.  What I have to do is lay off the splits for a while and take it very, very easy when I practice. 

I laughed because what else do you do at that point?  It’s a black fly in your chardonnay!

The appointment and realization gave me a brief, sarcastic laugh.  Yoga is a practice of the mind, body and spirit, and I truly believe is being practiced constantly.  I soon began to feel empowered by my experience. 

Finally, I actually know what that pain in my ass is and what I can do about it!

The whole ordeal, from the drive to get into the straddle split, the injury, the poking and prodding, the madness to what I thought was healing it, to really slowing down, studying my anatomy, seeking professional help and getting an x-ray, was about 6 months.  Thankfully, tearing some tissue wasn’t the only thing I learned during this process.

The injuries not only lead me to a greater understanding of how I am physically constructed, but how to manifest healing and the importance of examining pain. 

I was reminded that I have a very high pain tolerance.  It was challenging for me to decipher the difference between pain and release. I learned that all the distress I was going through was a tiny, itty bitty little tear a place that I had trouble describing, but absolutely has a presence in my life.

I learned that everything I was doing was my path to learning and awareness, but in the end, I needed some help to really pinpoint what was going on.

It’s uncanny how this relates to my mind and spirit practice.  Sometimes, and truthfully for all of us, we do things that start out as a harmless way to feel good.  But then it’s a slippery slope.  We keep repeating this and pushing this over and over until one day, something snaps and it doesn’t feel good anymore, or the good intention is gone. 

Sometimes we’re so used to pain we can’t feel what it is or that it’s even there. 

And sometimes, even the smallest discrepancy, as petty as we label it to be and as much as we don’t feel the need to confront it, can really throw us out of whack.  For me and my hamstring, it was months.  For our mind, it could be years.

Luckily there’s a solution.  We have the power to empower this pain and transform it into healing if we really take some time to ask, “Hey, what’s going on in there?”  Trace it back.  When did it start hurting?  What was the moment that set it off?  What inspired this moment of pain?

Pain is a part of life.  If you have a body, and if you have a mind, you are going to experience pain.  It is inevitable.  Pain is necessary.  (Suffering is optional!)

Certainly we all have someone in our lives who has a sickening sense of optimism.  “I’m just going to stay positive.”  That’s great.  Don’t get me wrong.  But like that tiny pain in my ass, if you don’t respect your pain enough to acknowledge it, you’ll continue to experience it and the healing process will be slow, perhaps even halted.  It’s unrealistic to walk around and pretend like we are exempt..  We’re not.  And that’s a childish approach. 

So instead, when something does bother us, why not have the dignity to ask some questions, gain some insight, and then truly have the ability to forgive this pain and let it go?  Hundreds of times in my life I’ve had people compete with me, belittle me, and hurt me.  I have tried pretending it doesn’t hurt.  I’ve tried that so many times I can’t even tell what hurts!  Then, I wind up projecting all this stuffed down pain onto myself, having spells of anxiety, depressing, self-defeating thoughts and destructive behaviors.

Now, when someone or something hurts my mind, I respect myself and the one who has harmed me enough to ask why.  When you do this, 10/10 times you’ll find people hurt you because they are afraid, they are suffering, and they are not at peace.  They want a piece of your peace, but are not educated spiritually enough or are too weak to receive it.  Instead of being inspired by you, they are jealous.  Instead of being empowered by you, they are competitive.  Instead of being generous towards you, they are selfish.

Resist no evil.  But welcome it with love.  Who said that? 

Finally, if we take the time to really investigate ourselves, even our painful experiences, we can find healing and gratitude.  I’m so thankful I am enlightened enough to recover.  I’m so glad that help is available when I am confused, lost, or unable to see.  I’m so happy that I took the time to truly begin to heal, so in the future I can avoid unnecessary suffering, honestly cope and reconcile pain.